- Choose your music and readings carefully. “On Children” by Kahil Gibran is best for a Baby Blessing or Christening. Bereaved parents don’t want to hear that “Your Children, are not your children…” Do play songs from parents who have actually lost a child, like Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” or “Forever Young”…
- Pronounce the child’s name correctly and often. They may not remember anything else but if you say it incorrectly, they will remember that forever.
- Don’t say they have lost a child. It’s not comforting to think of our children as lost and parents don’t like to think they’ve lost their child. Refrain from using the word “loss” or “lost”. Their child has died and it is the death of the child that really happened. The word “transition” may not match their experience and may feel minimizing. Ask directly what works for them.
- Speak to the child’s death not as a tragedy, as if the child’s existence or death was an error or somehow wrong. Let everything about the child be right and good.
- Do focus on the Truth of Eternal Life with conviction. This child will always be a Guardian Angel, a Spirit Guide, a Guru, whose teachings will benefit all in ways that are uplifting over time and that the child is as close as a breath, forever and always alive in God and available to the parents.
- Talk about the child rather than where the child has gone or the “goodness” of God. Parents don’t want to hear that God called the child home or that the child is needed in Heaven. That just makes them madder at God. Bereaved parents may very well be angry at God for a long time and it’s okay to ease their mind (and guilt) by letting them know that God is big enough to handle that.
- They will know no greater pain. Let them know that they will live through this even when they think they can’t.
- Warn them that people may say the darndest things to them out of ignorance and that they can actually be happy for them that they have no idea. The parents will be forced into understanding, compassion and gratitude, forced to accept the ignorance of others, which can be noted as a gift from their child.The community can help or hinder. The parents may be asked, “Aren’t you over that yet?” when they finally find a language to speak about it. Or they may get lucky and find people who will listen when they want to talk about it…again, for years.
- It is so important to encourage the parents to talk about the child forever. They may feel shut down and isolated otherwise.
- That they now join the parents whose child raises them and who blesses them with super-human strength, love, compassion, understanding and that they will be able to be with other parents and families with an understanding that very few have.
- Agree that they would trade it all in to raise their child.
- Eventually the pain will ease and they will be able to come back to life… tell them to just be with the experience of this child’s life –the greatest gift that this child will give them will be the gift like no other– give them things that no other child will be able to give them.
- These children that stay for such a short time leave the biggest impact. This child’s life is powerful and will be celebrated forever. Remind them to be sure to make a place in the family for a celebration of this child every year on birthdays and the anniversary of the child’s transition. Celebrate this life because it is a life that is so giving of itself that it moves and changes whole communities. You don’t forget these dates. They are pulled out of the calendar and saved for remembrance. Acknowledge that this life is so important and will impact this family and community forever.
- Let family and friends know that holidays and special occasions are important to remember. Put the birthday and the anniversary of the baby’s death on the calendar and remember them with a call and a card. Create a celebration–we always celebrate our daughter’s birthday at Easter by giving our living children gifts. We hang ornaments on the XMAS tree…etc.
- Let the parents know they can stop worrying about forgetting. No matter how much time passes, nothing about this child will ever be forgotten, not how the child looked, how the child felt or who the child was and will always be.
- (For opposite sex couples) Chinese Proverb: You cannot carry another’s burden when your burden is already too heavy. In other cultures, couples whose child has died are separated, the mother goes with the women and the father goes with the men, and they are comforted individually and then reunited when enough time has passed to heal from the initial tidal wave of grief. In our culture we have three days to grieve and then we are expected to move on. With a child’s death, the waves of grief may not be like the initial tidal wave, but the 30-foot swells and the crashing of the waves upon the shores of the heart make the sea of life unbearable for years. Encourage them to elicit the support of a group of people sharing the same experience.
- The biggest challenge: What do I say/not say to these parents?
- Don’t say, “Your baby is with Jesus” to the mother. Jesus is not a mother so this is quite disturbing.
- Don’t say, “Thank God your baby was so young so you weren’t attached.”
- Don’t say, “You can have another baby.”
- Do say, “How are you?” and be prepared to listen.
- Do say the baby’s name.
- All you have to do is listen. You don’t have to come up with anything to say.
- And if the parents are together, advise them to go to someone other than each other for comfort and support.
- For the future…do ask the parent if you can go to the grave with them if there is one. You can bring clippers and help to trim any overgrowth around the headstone. You can feel the honor of being included in the visit and the prayer that just may take place…if you’re lucky.
The most comforting person will be one who has lived through it. You can offer them this from a mother who has lived through it:
I have a Guru who has taught me more than anyone else in life.
I have a Spirit Guide who has always given me the guidance I need to transform my life.
I have a Guardian Angel who has taught me more about the eternality of life than anyone else.
I have a Way-shower who has shown me that I AM the strength of God
and I never have to be afraid of life or death.
I have a measurement to go by upon which I base all that I must endure,
ever reminding me that I can do anything.
I have living proof that our loved ones are never far away
and that comforts me always.
I have been able to share all of this wherever I am,
with whomever I am with and that is my ministry
and it has brought comfort to so many, especially me.
I have a Minister who mentors me in Spirit.
My daughter died at 4 1/2 months of Sudden Infant Death (SIDS). Our Catholic priest wouldn’t come because, though we had very good reasons, we hadn’t had time to baptize her. We buried her in a little white casket with a Seventh Day Adventist Chaplain presiding. We will be forever grateful to him. He didn’t know our child, and he misprounced her name. That’s all I remember about what he said. In 2007 the Pope ended the state of Limbo after 800 years.
My book, “We Bring Her Flowers” (Fithian Press) is in the reprint stage but may help if you can find a used copy
MEMORIAL SERVICE
“All of us must lose our hearts to a child…”
ENTRANCE
- Greeter
- Welcomes guests
- Gives out programs—included in program is information on grief and infant loss
- Directs guests to a Baby Book memorial register to sign in
- Angelic Harp Music playing
- Portrait on an easel is displayed up front surrounded by flower wreaths
- Usher directs guests toward the front where a table of memories can be viewed if there are any:
- Photos (There are agencies like https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ who will take pictures/family portraits of dying children or children who have died so that families can have a keepsake.)
- Baby items: Shoes and socks, baby blanket, toys, poems, children’s drawings, letters and other heartfelt items
- A lock of hair
- A cast of baby’s handprint and footprint
- An unlit candle, a palpable symbol of a life short-lived, offering a space for grief – an empty space bereft of the hopes for living life
PARENTS & FAMILY ARE SEATED IN THE FRONT ROWS
WELCOME ~ OFFICIATE
The way to being born is a miraculous journey. This amazing time of life is full of mystery, anticipation, joy, hope, and wonder. Feeling the powerful energy of birth and new life, watching as a new family is born unto each other. These things humble and amaze. These are the things that we celebrate when a baby is born. Infants are the most lovely and endearing people, sweet and fresh, brimming with early hints of who they will become.
But there is another aspect of this journey, an unexpected place where some families find themselves. When a child dies, the world is turned upside down. There is confusion, deep sadness, fear, and uncertainty that cannot be explained. There is sorrow where there should be joy. We have come to a place most people cannot even fathom, a place where life’s most joyful moments become the most heartbreaking, where babies die and families grieve.
On behalf of the _____________ family, I welcome you into this place, knowing full well that we cannot imagine such heartache…but we can stand in support and love of this family and we can be their strength as a community.
You might be wondering how to be that support and strength. Certainly we must never tire of listening because this child will never be forgotten and this grief will find its home in the heart of these parents who will need their child’s name spoken aloud forever. That name is _________________________ (pronounce the name correctly as that may be the only thing the parents remember of the memorial service).
All that is needed from any of us is to show up and just listen. Get comfortable in the uncomfortable silence and the not-knowing. If there is anything to do, this family will let us know. For those of you who want more help with this, you can find helpful information in your program.
What we have to offer is Love and Love is enough. On this day, we meet in a place that is made sacred with the spirit of love and memory, for we have gathered here today to give testimony to the power of the brief life that ____________ lived on this earth. We gather also to mourn ___________’s death, to say goodbye to her/him, and to commit her/his spirit to eternal peace.
MUSIC ~ “Ave Maria” by Andre Bocelli
READING ~ from the book, “We Bring Her Flowers” by Sharon Dunn
BARGAINING
God
I wish
s/he’d come back
How
easy life
would be if
S/he
would please
just come back
God
let’s pretend
this never happened
I
promise not
to tell…honest
EULOGY ~ OFFICIATE
We come to this place with a range of emotions as deep and complex as the child we are remembering. When a death such as this cuts across life in its fullness, we are left with a deep sense of shock and incompleteness. This unbearable sadness for the loss of this life, pure and sweet, mingles with the sadness for the loss of possibilities not realized.
- Here there is love – and the searing pain of separation
- Here there is anger – and the futile search to understand why
We remember her/him also in her/his moments of infant delight: to recall her/his first smile and her/his growing response to the people around her/him. I’ve also learned some things about ____________ from her family. I got to know this child because the nature of her/his death required more of me. It requires more of all of us.
- I got to know that this baby never took naps because s/he was afraid s/he’d miss something
- S/he had the most beautiful purple-blue eyes and curly long, black eyelashes
- S/he smiled out the side of her/his face
- S/he loved to be in the center of the room with an audience and hated to be left alone
We gather also to mourn – to mourn for the loss of love growing into tomorrow, deepening and maturing through joy and conflict; to mourn the empty spaces in a home that has been prepared so that s/he might take her/his place among family; to mourn for the opportunities _________ (name) will not have to celebrate birthdays, reach milestones, and make more memories.
The death of an infant is often the death of the hopes and dreams of the parent(s). These hopes and dreams should be named (either they can speak them or the officiate can name them):
- She was the first girl born in our family after three boys
- My dream was to have a daughter/son, a bond that grows stronger throughout life
- Her/his children and their children
- What would s/he have grown up to be?
- What would s/he be like?
We are here to grow through an ending into a beginning – to let go of _________ (name) and, with memories and treasures gathered up for the journey, gain strength for moving through the days ahead.
MUSIC ~ “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton
PRAYER ~ OFFICIATE
Daily we are touched by the rhythms of life and death, yet now we are out of rhythm, for birth and death have seized too closely on the same moment. In sadness for the hopes that are not realized for __________ (name), we seek peace and hope.
READINGS
The mention of my child’s name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
Let me hear the beautiful music of thy name
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul.
(Unknown)
There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.
Washington Irving
(Include in Program by Sue Bohlin)
What Not to Say When Someone is Grieving
Don’t start any sentence with “At least. . . .”
• “At least you didn’t have time to really love her.”
• “At least he’s in heaven now.”
• “At least you have two other children.”
• “At least that’s one less mouth you’ll have to feed.”
• “At least it didn’t have to go through the pain of birth.”
• “At least you’ve had a good life so far, before the cancer diagnosis.”
Don’t attempt to minimize the other person’s pain.
• “It’s okay, you can have other children.”
- “Aren’t you over that yet? “
- “Oh, you’re not going to let this get you down, are you?”
Don’t try to explain what God is doing behind the scenes.
• “I guess God knew you weren’t ready to be parents yet.”
• “Now you’ll find out who your friends are.”
• “This baby must have just not been meant to be.”
• “There must have been something wrong with the baby.”
• “Just look ahead because God is pruning you for great works.”
• “God never gives you more than you can handle.”
Don’t blame the other person:
• “If you had more faith, your daughter would be here.”
• “Remember that time you had a negative thought? That may have caused this.”
• “You are not praying hard enough.”
Don’t compare what the other person is going through to ANYTHING else or anyone else’s problem:
• “It’s not as bad as that time I. . .”
• “My sister-in-law lost two children and you only lost one.”
Don’t use the word “should”:
• “You should be happy/grateful that God is refining you.”
Don’t use clichés and platitudes:
• “Look on the bright side.”
• “He’s in a better place.”
• “She’s an angel now.”
• “He’s with the Lord.”
Don’t instruct the person:
• “This is sent for your own good, and you need to embrace it to get all the benefit out of it.”
• “Remember that God is in control.”
• “Remember, all things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28 is powerful to comfort oneself, but it can feel like being bludgeoned when it comes from anyone else.)
What TO say:
• “I love you.”
• “I am so sorry.” You don’t have to explain. Anything.
What TO do:
• A wordless hug.
• A card that says simply, “I grieve with you.”
• Instead of bringing cakes, drop off or (better) send gift certificates for restaurants or pizza places.
And pray. Then pray some more. It’s the most powerful thing we can say or do.
DO NOT WEEP
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.
Unknown
Rev. Sharon A. Dunn, M.A., is the Senior Minister at the Sacramento Center for Spiritual Living in California. She is a published author and professional photographer and enjoys combining those two interests in her spiritual practice of Contemplative Photography. She is a mother of three, two living children, and “Tutu” to her first grandchild, Maverick. She and her husband, Chris, enjoyed celebrating their 41st wedding anniversary in May, 2015. She loves family and considers her spiritual community an extension of her family.
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